More Joy, Less Pressure

Two Questions I’m Asking Myself and 10 Things That Feel Good

“We tend to think life should be the way we planned. But often, things don’t turn out that way. In fact, they rarely do. And there’s wisdom in not expecting life to turn out the way we think or feel it ought to. There’s wisdom in understanding that we are essentially clueless.”

This comes from one of my favourite books ever, I May Be Wrong by Björn Natthiko Lindeblad. Björn was a forest monk who maps out his journey towards navigating uncertainty with such extraordinary wisdom.

If you’re learning to live well too and want more peace and ease in your life, I could not recommend it more highly. Almost nothing has had a bigger, more positive impact on my mindset.

And when it comes to learning to live well, my mindset is my number one focus this year.

So much of the wellness conversation focuses on big things such as exercise classes, recipes and sleep hygiene. Whilst these are incredibly important for our health, they do not exist in a vacuum.

I think true health is much more holistic. It is our mindset, our outlook, our day to day stress management tools, our community and our sense of purpose and belonging.

They may sound a little airy fairy compared to a HIIT class or a plant rich salad, but genuinely shifting these habits can make a world of difference to your health.

Did you know that practising gratitude day to day is associated with a lower risk of dying from any cause?

Or that decades of research, including the eighty five year long Harvard Study of Adult Development, consistently identify strong social connections and community integration as the biggest predictors of longevity, often outweighing factors like diet, exercise and smoking?

I have known how important this side of wellness is for almost fifteen years, since I started writing the Deliciously Ella blog in early 2012. But in many ways, I have found reframing, evolving or adjusting my mindset so much harder than simply going to bed a little earlier, batch cooking a white bean chilli or going for a walk.

I really wanted to get out of my head, to start being a glass half full person, someone better able to appreciate the present without worrying about what is around the corner.

But for years my mind was always ahead of me. I woke up thinking about my to do list.

I measured days by productivity and whether I was doing things “right”. Often it looked like wellness. But inside, it felt tight. There was very little space to just be.

Over the last few years, I have worked really consistently on shifting my mindset. I have done hundreds of hours of yoga teacher training, dived deep into the philosophy behind yoga, read countless books, interviewed psychologists, monks and scientists on my first podcast, completed an intensive mindfulness based stress reduction course, and most recently started my breathwork teacher training and signed up to other meditation trainings over the rest of the year.

The day I finished my first yoga teacher training in 2018!

About six months ago, I also started therapy. I wanted somewhere to gently look at my patterns and learn how to feel more, not just function well.

Very early on, my therapist gave me two questions that have genuinely shifted things for me. Whenever I feel tense or overwhelmed, I ask myself:

1. Am I unnecessarily creating tension points?

2. Are there things I could add to make this softer?

They are simple, but incredibly effective. So often I realise I am adding pressure that is not required. Rushing. Over responding. Holding myself to invisible standards.

And then I ask, how could this feel a little softer? Music while I cook for the kids. A kinder tone in my own head when things are not going right. A moment to make a cup of tea.

I remember on the mindfulness based stress reduction course I did, the instructor Rosalie asked us to start doing a simple mindfulness exercise each day to help us ground ourselves in the present. The idea was that you would go for a walk, something familiar, part of your usual day to day, but leave your phone behind and focus on each sense.

This was in lockdown and I would walk five minutes to my favourite local coffee shop and get a hot almond milk latte. I would genuinely savour each sip, truly tasting it rather than rushing through it.

Those ten minutes became heaven.

If you want to try it, keep it simple. Pick ten minutes. Leave your phone behind. Slow down slightly. Notice the air on your skin. The sound of your steps. Hold your coffee with both hands and really taste it.

It sounds small, but it teaches your body that you are not behind. That this moment is enough.

I used to think joy would come once everything felt under control. Once the inbox was clear. Once life felt certain.

But if we wait for perfect conditions, we miss so much of our lives.

That is why, for me, learning to live well is not about adding more to life. It is about changing how we experience what is already in front of us.

So in the spirit of making an effort to stop and appreciate each moment, here is what has been making me happy this week, as we start to get glimpses of Spring!

1. Pret Sweet & Salt Popcorn. Just the best snack. So much better than any other brand I have tried. A packet of this on my commute makes me so happy.

2. The Summer I Turned Pretty. I just finished all three seasons and loved every second. It reminded me of The OC.

3. Alysa Liu’s gold medal at the Winter Olympics. Have you read her story? She retired from figure skating at 16, saying she was burnt out and no longer enjoying it. She stepped away completely and only returned when it felt like her choice again, when enjoyment and a genuine love of the sport were back at the top of the list. Here she is, winning on her own terms.

4. Ten minutes of meditation before bed. It is bringing me joy by sending me to sleep happier, which means I wake up happier and the cycle continues.

5. Reminding myself that uncertainty is the only certainty, again and again. I am increasingly stressing less about things beyond my control, which is basically everything.

6. Really thin penne pasta. I have been buying Rummo Maccheroncelli Rigati on Ocado and it is unreal. It works so well in saucy dishes and brothy meals.

7. Bon Iver radio on Spotify. Just good vibes.

8. Glimpses of spring and the end of our building project. It is light at 7am, which feels like the ultimate win. Our daffodils are about to flower and the rain is finally easing. Hooray. Our living room is also sunshine yellow, which is very feel-good.

   

9. Exercising regularly. I have started exercising four to five times a week and it really is the ultimate mood booster. Nothing helps me get out of my head and into my body more. I am excited to build my strength and fitness properly this year.

10. Spicy margaritas and mango mocktails in Spain. We escaped to sunny Spain for four nights over half term and it was heaven. May danced to the hotel singers in the bar every night, which was pure gold.

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